Living the Four Agreements

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is based on the knowledge of the Toltecs.  He defines Toltecs as “scientists and artists who formed a society to explore and conserve the spiritual knowledge and practices of the ancient ones.   They shared a belief that everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God……The real “us” is pure love, pure light”.

When you think about it, as we grow up we are taught to believe certain things, we learn to act in certain ways that are considered “acceptable in our culture and society”.  From what we are taught, and our life experiences, we form beliefs…. and those beliefs create the filter through which we perceive life.

However, it is always good to be aware of our beliefs about the world… and to challenge them every so often.  Beliefs are the agreements we make with ourselves.

Beliefs are unexamined truths.  What we “believe” about life, people and the world in general, may or may not be true.

For those of you who have not read the book, the four agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
3. Don’t make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best

These concepts are simple and straightforward, but, …as with so many other things in our lives, easier said than done.

 

Be Impeccable with Your Word

To be impeccable with your word means to speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  It means to avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  To use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

How many times a day do you say negative things about yourself or others?  How often do you judge yourself and others?

Are you living a life of truth….of love…..or do you get stuck in negative beliefs that say that you or others are less than…..?

Your words are very powerful.  The words that we use create our life and our reality.  They are the manifestation of what we think and what we believe.  In order to “Be impeccable with your word”; to speak your truth; to be true to whom you say you are and what you believe, you first have to know who you are and what you believe.

What we say we believe and what we really believe… are not necessarily the same thing.

For example, we may say we want to bring peace and love into the world but we are fighting with our brother or our neighbor.  We may say that we want equality but then we judge others for their behavior, beliefs, culture, color, and life style choice.

When we say we want peace but we fight with our brother or neighbor, we are not being impeccable with our word.  Our words and actions do not match.  When our words and actions do not match we are not “standing in our truth”.

It is important to be who you say you are, say what you mean and mean what you say and to have your words and actions match.  Then, and only then, are you truly being Impeccable in your Word.

 

Don’t Take Anything Personally  

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream of this world.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

This is definitely one of those “easier said than done” concepts.  Some people take everything personally.  If someone cuts them off in traffic, they get angry, maybe use a few hand gestures (or as I like to think of it, making that person “number one’ in their life) and then they go home or to work and talk about getting cut off in traffic and some people shouldn’t be on the road, etc, etc………..

Now, you may not be a person who gets upset at being cut off in traffic and so wouldn’t take another person’s driving as a personal insult.  However, …if someone criticizes your actions, your beliefs, your family, or your appearance……it feels a little more personal doesn’t it?

What we take personally are the things that we already believe about ourselves.     If someone calls you “stupid” and you already believe you are “stupid”… you are going to take it personally because the criticism is a reflection of that which you already believe. If it is not a reflection of what you already believe about you, the word “stupid” would have no effect on you  and you would not take it personally.

In some ways, I think this is one of the more challenging concepts to understand.  There are a lot of things that we can let go of, …things that people say or do… or things that are happening in the world.  We have no control over what people do in Turkey or Korea…or in California… and we have no control over what someone says about politics, school policy, their spouse, other people or what sports team they are rooting for.  It doesn’t affect us personally.

But, there are many things in this world that feel very personal.  If someone hurts us mentally, emotionally, or physically we tend to take it personally.   If someone manipulates us, slanders our name or steals from us we tend to take it personally.

If someone thinks we are wonderful…we tend to take it personally.

What people do and say is about them, not us.  That includes both the positive and the negative.  The world that we see is only a reflection of who we are and what we believe about life.  The glass is half empty or half full, it’s both.   People are trustworthy or not, they are both. We see in others a reflection of our own beliefs about the world.  That is what we are really taking personally, the reflection of our beliefs, not what the other person has actually said or done.

The reality is, people, no matter what they say or do, are just projecting their beliefs on us.  It is not personal.

How many Americans take what happened on 9/11 personally?  Was it personal?  Or was it just a reflection of the terrorists beliefs being projected on us?  You decide.

 

 

Don’t make Assumptions 

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

As a therapist, I can’t even begin to tell you how many people make assumptions about life, about their spouses, bosses, …so many assumptions.  Lack of clear communication sprinkled with many assumptions is probably on the top of the list for failed relationships with spouses, friends, and children You name it.

Life is a reflection of our reality.  Too many people assume that others share that exact same reality and they couldn’t be more wrong.  It’s like having two people who speak different languages, say Italian and Chinese, each assuming that the other understands what they are saying.  Sometimes they even try saying it louder and slower as if that makes a difference.

Many comedic situations are based on assumptions, and they are funny in that context.  Each one talking about something completely different but assuming they are on the same topic.  It makes for great humor but it is not so great for relationships – personal or business.

Be Clear about what you say, what you want and ask questions…and never make assumptions.

 

Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Changing our lives doesn’t happen overnight.  It takes intention and commitment.  Intention is the vision of change and commitment is the action that will bring the vision to reality.

You don’t have to be a victim of your beliefs.  Examine your beliefs, they are the agreements that you have made with yourself, both consciously and subconsciously.

If your beliefs about life are keeping you stuck in fear, anxiety, and depression, then change them.  Examine them and keep those that bring you joy and let go of those that no longer serve you in your life.

We change our beliefs in two ways.

1. To face our fears one by one and, in the process, they lose their power to control our lives.
2. To stop feeding our fears, habits, emotions. When we no longer give them our energy, they “die”.

And yes, I know, it is easier said than done.

 

Just do your best.  Doing your best doesn’t mean being perfect.

Some days your best is going to be better than others.  Some days we get the “A” and some days we get the “D”, but if your best on that day is a “D”, then it is the best you had for that day.  Just do the best you can each day.

 If you set the Intention to change something in your life and you make a commitment to change it .and then you keep working at it by doing the best you can every day eventually, it will change.

 

Living the Four Agreements is a way of life.  

It is the path of Self-Awareness, Self -Mastery, and the path of Intention and Love.

 

How you get there is:

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
3. Don’t make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best